The Clunkster

Hey, boogers! I’ve missed you all so much. I figured I’d give everyone a little life update to explain why I’ve been so MIA lately!

Ya see kids, now that I’m ~growing up~ (gross), I’ve been going through a lot of changes (cue the Big Mouth theme), some that make me super excited, some that make me want to vomit, and others that leave me feeling really conflicted and confused. But I’ve been told that change is the only constant in life, so I’ve just been rolling with the punches, no matter how hard it gets.

Essentially, in the past nine months, I have had several quarter-life crises. The first was in December, when I graduated from Emerson College. Even though I was staying busy with work and plans with friends, things weren’t the same as I was used to. I had to learn what my identity was without academia or my sorority. That’s a crisis I’m still working through at the moment.

Then, in May, I walked at Graduation, which brought on emotions no one prepared me for. I was already upset that I was leaving, but now I had to deal with the fact that everyone else was leaving too. It was a weird culmination of things that I thought I wrapped up already. Of course, I was so proud of myself and my classmates, but I didn’t really have that “Fuck yeah, I did it!” feeling that everyone else did. I had mine, in December, when there weren’t sales on Graduation decorations at Party City, just a ton of snow and anticipation of the holidays.

I sweat through Boston in the summer, where I kept myself insanely busy with two jobs and plans with friends. But there was that nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I constantly wasn’t doing enough. I’d crash on my couch after a long day at work, and I couldn’t even relax because my head was rattling off a list of places I needed to go one last time, and another of the places I never got the chance to visit. It was a weird feeling of nostalgia and failure that often comes with the end of the summer or moving to a new place, but it gets extra weird when those changes come together.

my childhood room! i slept in this spot for most of my life.

Leaving Boston was so much more than leaving the city, it was leaving the chapter that I had been writing for the past four years. Four years! I started at Emerson when I was only seventeen years old. I always say that Long Island is where I grew up, but Boston is where I really grew. Though I knew that Boston was just a train ride away, and that I’d always have the memories, and that my friends and sisters would always find each other no matter where we were, my heart was aching for my adorable little apartment in the city. But, I stuffed my entire college experience into my dad’s pickup truck, and we drove back to Long Island, where I’d move into my family’s new house. Yup, another change.

I should’ve been used to moving, as someone who changed living situations every year at Emerson, but this time things were different. We were moving out of my childhood home, which was quaint and small, way too small for three adults. The house that we moved into is beautiful - not far from where we were and in a great neighborhood. But it’s still a change. I was used to returning home on breaks to my pale blue childhood bedroom with a low wall that I smacked my head on often. Now, I’m putting together my new, ~adult~ space, and man, am I overwhelmed.

You’ve probably guessed that I’m into aesthetics based on the fact that you’re reading my fashion blog. But my physical comfort is also really important to me. If I don’t make my space my own, I don’t feel like myself. That, coupled with the fact that I am a horrible decision-maker, has made settling in a bit difficult.

Don’t get me wrong - I’m so psyched to be back with my family, friends from home, and my dog. I’m really pumped to get a job in New York City and start my career in the fashion industry, but I’d be lying if I said this all wasn’t very overwhelming.

we planted this teeny sapling when i was in the second grade, and she grew beyond our wildest dreams!

But I’m learning that that’s okay! In fact, I’m kind of lucky to have so many things to be overwhelmed about. I know that I’m a strong, adaptable person because I’ve adapted to changes before. This one is just taking a bit longer to get used to. I know that everyone goes through these changes, I’m just blessed enough to have them all happening at once.

That’s something that’s really important to remember if you’re going through something similar - literally every person deals with the transition that comes from leaving school, whether it’s high school, college, grad school, or further schooling if you’re hella ambitious (go you!!!). How else should we feel when we’re thrust into an education system against our will and then told to choose a career path based on a life we haven’t fully lived yet?

I’m getting a bit existential. My point of this post is that I’m going through changes, you’re going through changes, everyone is going through changes. Some we’re aware of, and some we’re not. Some we’ll even initiate and end up being miserable. That’s part of the game of life, my friends.

When I started writing this post I didn’t intend to sound like your dad when your first goldfish dies, but hey, here I am.